Ok, This is a heavy one. Talking about your sex life can be difficult for so many reasons; maybe it´s hard finding the right words to use, maybe you feel like your sex life has been the same way for so long that it cannot be changed or maybe you have bad experiences talking about it previously. Either way, it´s important to remember that we all have to work on this in order to stay happy in our relationship and that it´s ok to change your mind and suddenly want new things, or not wanting something anymore. It docent matter if it´s been seven months or seven years. But If you have a hard time talking about sex with partners, you’re not alone.
Even when writing and reading about sex every day, I too feel uncomfortable at times. I struggle to know what I really want to say, or how to say it. But give yourself a break too; you cannot fix every problem with one conversation, and at times the conversations might be hard, but NOT talking about it is the only sure way NOT to fix things.
So whether you want to spice things up, try something new, are having sex problems or feel that you´re stuck in your relationship there are times when talking about it is right, and times when it´s not.
Don´t talk about your sexual problems in the bedroom or at bedtime. Pick a more “neutral” time and place to take the pressure off.
Don’t talk about it right after having sex. You don´t want your partner to feel picked on.
It can also be a good idea to set a date and time for the conversation. Let your partner know in a nice way that you would like to talk about how you can make it better together. This also gives your partner some time to think about their needs and ideas for a change.
Avoid buying new toys, films or books on the subject before having had the first conversation with your partner. Coming home with a book ”that will make everything better” and a giant dildo can be off-putting to your partner who might not feel included in the solution.
When having the talk, be honest! Talk about how you feel, your expirations and fears, desires and fantasies. If you find it difficult, or if you´re not sure what you need then ask your partner if they have any desires to fore fill in your relationship. You might find common ground in some of these suggestions. Maybe you both want to try bondage or outdoor sex; great!
Another great tip on how to get a fun and healthy conversation about your sex life going is to write a list. Now, this can sound very stiff and non-sexual, but there are great lists available that will help you think outside the box, discover new fantasies and keep things spicy.
Using this list will also take some pressure off since you and your partner can write them in your own time and then set a date for going through them together, maybe over a glass of wine to make a relaxed and fun evening out of it.
Good lovers are made, not born. If you truly want your sexual relationship to be it´s very best communication is key. With that also comes the awareness that sex doesn’t have to be awesome right away. Let things take time. Did you try a new toy and ended up hating it? Or did you agree to something to please your partner and didn’t get much pleasure from it? That´s ok! Talk about it, maybe try again another day, or try to understand and put into words why you feel it didn´t work for you. As long as you are both willing to listen, make changes, try new things and be open to your partner’s fantasies you´ve come a long way!
And remember that it´s never okay is for your partner to dismiss or ridicule your fantasies or boundaries. A partner who keeps pushing you to do something you’ve already said you don’t want, or who makes you feel bad based on your desires is not a person you want to be with.